Colourblind

It's all just a little bit of history repeating.

Of course, apparently, I'm not at liberty to discuss my own personal feelings on this thing. Apparently, I have no right to talk about what's upsetting me, but I'm expected to listen. Eventually, I'm gonna run out of patience for the hypocrisy.

It's 6:22. Not sure why I'm still up. Just didn't sleep. Didn't even do anything worthwhile with my time. A little dissertation, but that's about it. I've been spending a lot of time in meditation, recently; attempting to sort various things in my head. Not emotionally, for once, almost entirely information. Lots of deep thought (42!) on my degree, and I've been studying a technique my dance teacher once taught me, in an attempt to learn my next pattern without needing to actually use space. Of course, I need to commit it to muscle memory, but that's something else, entirely.

See, this is me talking without talking. Words without expression. A vacuous attempt at an art. 

Heh, as long as the room keeps singing, that's just the business I'm in.

Well, here's your reply. Yes, I do want some time apart. 

Had my third, count them, taekwondo grading, today.

I passed (somehow), making my running count 3rd kup. That's seven grades in six months, along with the instructor qualification. Kinda pleased when I think in those kind of terms.

Definately room for improvement,but I've always considered that a good thing.

Also: When did I start reading comics? Between Aislin and my own recent buying of various editions of Serenity Rose and Daredevil (his power is...he can't see shit.), I'm turning into a proper comic geek, it's upsetting.

I just said 'proper'...I blame Lesley, who it was very nice to see again.

Huspag!

You ever tried staying up, for like, as long as you can? Studies show that after a couple of days you start entering periods of 'micro-sleep'. You remain concious, and even active, but docile, vacant, and keep no memories of what happens during the period (usually about 5-10 seconds).

The, eventually, you put your head down and bang, you're out.

Feels like that's pretty much what's happened to me, except in my case the wakefulness has lasted 6 years.

Ever since...I had my episode, I've never really slept well. Insomnia comes and goes, and pretty much the only way to garauntee sleep was company (and even then, only sexually compatable company was garaunteed to give me a full night's sleep). When I did sleep, it felt like micro-sleep, and I never really felt refreshed.

But now I've crashed, and I'm scared. I don't like that I've changed all of a sudden. It's also not helping my work that I can't rouse myself for hours, as my body tries to adapt to this new system.

Perhaps I'm just bombing out of insomnia particularly hard. I don't know.

It's getting to me, though. Sorry if you don't see me around so much, next few days.

I'm probably taking a nap. 

First of all, http://www.blod.com is actually a site, for blood-related links; paternity tests, umbilical blood storage, and the like.

My dispondency is back. It's been away a while, but a few seperate events have brought it all out at once. Stress from work, stress from applying for my masters, financial problems, some personal issues regarding Helen, worrying about Cara, and so on.

I can go through them.

Work: I feel like I'm behind. I've done work on my dissertation, that's not the problem; the problem is I don't know the deadline offhand, and I'm almost afraid to look it up. I don't know if it's good enough, and there's so much riding on it. Usually my arrogance would carry this through, but with everything else it's hard to be arrogant, right now.

My master's degree is almost the same thing. I don't like the thought of applying then not getting it. I don't know what I would do were that the case. Korea is always an option, I suppose, but I don't like the thought of being so very, very far away from the people I love.

Financial worries...well, they hit all of us, eventually, right? I just don't like the idea that my £900 rent has come out of my £70 bank account. Means more to clear up, and more creative accountancy, and I don't need the hassle right this very second.

Helen issues are personal. Ask, and I'll make a point of ignoring you from now on.

Cara issues are...complicated. Missing her is one thing, I do; but it hurts more knowing that she seems to miss me so much. I can't stand the thought of her sad or upset. Doesn't help that, whatever I like to think, I still have my moments of jealousy. Beng this far away makes it harder, I suppose. I trust her, completely, but I suppose I'm jealous of other guys even getting to see her, talk to her, smell her. I want that, you know?

There are other things, too. Like I've begun to feel like I just don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I don't know what I'll do.

I don't know what to do.

If I seem surly or short with you over the next couple of days, I'm sorry. I doubt I'll really be out at all, anyway.