Oni.
First of all, http://www.blod.com is actually a site, for blood-related links; paternity tests, umbilical blood storage, and the like.
My dispondency is back. It’s been away a while, but a few seperate events have brought it all out at once. Stress from work, stress from applying for my masters, financial problems, some personal issues regarding Helen, worrying about Cara, and so on.
I can go through them.
Work: I feel like I’m behind. I’ve done work on my dissertation, that’s not the problem; the problem is I don’t know the deadline offhand, and I’m almost afraid to look it up. I don’t know if it’s good enough, and there’s so much riding on it. Usually my arrogance would carry this through, but with everything else it’s hard to be arrogant, right now.
My master’s degree is almost the same thing. I don’t like the thought of applying then not getting it. I don’t know what I would do were that the case. Korea is always an option, I suppose, but I don’t like the thought of being so very, very far away from the people I love.
Financial worries…well, they hit all of us, eventually, right? I just don’t like the idea that my £900 rent has come out of my £70 bank account. Means more to clear up, and more creative accountancy, and I don’t need the hassle right this very second.
Helen issues are personal. Ask, and I’ll make a point of ignoring you from now on.
Cara issues are…complicated. Missing her is one thing, I do; but it hurts more knowing that she seems to miss me so much. I can’t stand the thought of her sad or upset. Doesn’t help that, whatever I like to think, I still have my moments of jealousy. Beng this far away makes it harder, I suppose. I trust her, completely, but I suppose I’m jealous of other guys even getting to see her, talk to her, smell her. I want that, you know?
There are other things, too. Like I’ve begun to feel like I just don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I don’t know what I’ll do.
I don’t know what to do.
If I seem surly or short with you over the next couple of days, I’m sorry. I doubt I’ll really be out at all, anyway.
